~ Whether Your Child Died Recently or Years Ago, I Am Deeply Sorry for Your Loss. ~
The Story of Sabrina in My Life and her Gift…
On September 10th, 1995, my life was forever changed. My beautiful daughter, Sabrina, was born still. She weighed 6 pounds, 12 ounces, had lots of dark hair, and perfect little fingers and toes. She was perfect in every way. I begged over and over in my mind for her to start breathing and to open her eyes. I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Yet, the reality was, my baby had died. I had to leave the hospital that day with empty arms and a broken heart. A part of me wanted to die. I wanted to be with my little girl. I had no idea how I would go on?
I needed to find a reason to keep living. I believe that part of what kept me going was my son. He was almost 5 years old and was starting kindergarten the day after Sabrina was born. My heart felt so heavy and empty, yet, I still had my precious son. to care for. Somehow, I managed to get out of bed the next morning and get my son to school.
My whole world view changed. There was no way to erase the sadness and emptiness I felt. I had to find a way to live with it. My life had been turned upside down. I had been pretty happy, relaxed and carefree, believing that things always worked out. This idea no longer felt true. I started wondering about what else would go wrong. I was much more pessimistic. I rarely laughed. It was hard to see the good things. My world was dark.
For months I couldn’t look at another baby. It hurt too much. I was happy for other parents, yet I couldn’t handle being reminded of what I had lost. The pain I felt, both physically and emotionally was intense. I wasn’t sure it would ever go away.
Finding a Reason for the Loss
One of my biggest fears was that Sabrina would be forgotten. Because she had not lived outside of my body, I was really the only one who knew her. I wanted to talk about her. I wanted to share my labor story, yet talking about it made others uncomfortable? I had loved Sabrina from the moment I found out I was pregnant. She had touched my heart in a big way.
I didn’t want her precious little life to have no meaning.
I didn’t want her to be forgotten.
Finding Ways to Handle the Pain Was Challenging
Some days I just wanted to stay in bed. There were times I wondered if I would ever stop crying. I wondered if I would ever laugh again. I went for counseling. I went to a support group. I met with other moms who had lost their babies. I read every book I could find to give me ideas on how to cope with the intense grief, the anger, and the guilt I felt.
I took it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I learned to be gentle with myself. I learned that I needed to grief my way. I couldn’t compare myself to others, especially when it came to grieving the loss of my daughter. I learned how strong I truly am.
Sabrina died over 19 years ago, yet, hearing a song I listened to while I was in labor can bring me to tears. I still miss her. I still wish she was here with me. Losing Sabrina was the most difficult thing I have experienced, yet, I now realize what a gift it was to have Sabrina for even the short time she was with me.
Sabrina truly was and is still a gift to me. Sabrina’s death taught me more about life than anything else has. By sharing the gifts that Sabrina gave me, I am hopeful that her heart will touch you and make a difference in your life.
Finding the Healing Connection
Eleven years after Sabrina died, a dear friend taught me, first of all, that it was possible to connect with Sabrina’s spirit, and then, how to do it. She lead me through a visualization and I was able to see and talk to Sabrina. I was skeptical at first. Was this possible? Was I crazy to think I could connect with her?
Yet, even the first time I connected, I felt such peace in my heart. I questioned whether I was just making it all up in my head, but I was aware that the way Sabrina spoke to me and the words she used, were different that what I would normally say. Over several sessions, I was able to tell her how sorry I was that I hadn’t been able to keep her safe, how much I loved her and missed her.
Sabrina told me how much she loved me. She said that she had chosen me as her mom because she knew I was strong. She told me that she was only meant to be here on the planet for that very short time. She had come to teach me about loss. The two miscarriages that I experienced after her death, were also to teach me about loss so that one day, I would be able to help other parents.
It opened me up to an entirely new way of looking at the world. Feeling the deep grief and sadness was a way to open my heart, as well as open me to the idea that there is more than just our physical life. We are actually spiritual beings having a human experience. We are meant to learn and grown while we are here.
Once I opened up to these ideas, I realized how much I wanted to learn. I was like a sponge, soaking up new information every day. Sabrina taught me about judgment. I had not been a judgmental person before her death, yet, I soon learned how hurtful judgment can be. I had people judge how I grieved. One family member told me that she knew how I felt and that I was not supposed to talk about Sabrina. This was very hurtful. She didn’t know how I felt. She had never lost a child. She had no idea how painful it was and that, at least for me, I needed to talk about Sabrina.
I couldn’t keep my grief bottled up inside me.
After this experience, I realized that I truly don’t ever have a right to judge how someone reacts. I have not walked in their shoes. I cannot possibly understand how someone else is feeling. Remember this. Be gentle with yourself. Do what YOU need to do to move through the grief of losing your child. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve for your child.
There are many Stages of Forgiveness
Another lesson I learned was about forgiveness. It took me a very long time to forgive myself for Sabrina’s death. I was so angry with myself for not keeping her safe. How could I have let her die? I questioned everything I ate or drank. I had taken my son shopping for school shoes the day before Sabrina died. I had bent over for a couple minutes, tying the Batman shoes my son eventually chose. I wondered if that was what caused her death? Did I cut off the blood flow through the umbilical cord when I was bent over?
My husband and I had argued the night before she died. Maybe she didn’t want to be part of our family. I hadn’t prepared her room and clothes the same way I had for my son. I didn’t know if I should be decorating in blue or pink. I wanted to keep her gender a surprise, so until she was born, I didn’t know she was a girl. I wondered whether she didn’t feel wanted. As I think about this now, I realize that it sounds silly, but at the time I was so desperate to find a reason that she had died. There had to be a reason.
Slowly, I worked at forgiving myself. Sabrina helped me with that. She told me that it was not my fault. She reassured me over and over. She helped me focus on the days she was alive and to focus on life. I am sure that your child will do the same.
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Please ‘Click’ on the Picture Below
to Access Your ‘Digital Download’
That is the purpose of Sabrina’s Gift.
When you are able to connect with your child’s spirit,
I know that your son or daughter will help you understand why they died.
They will tell you how much they love you, and that they want you to be happy.
By using the Digital Download
My hope is that you will find that happiness again
And you will honor your child by living a life filled with joy, passion, and love.